To quote Lloyd Christmas “So you’re telling me there’s a chance?”
In a time when all you need is a trending video, a catchy phrase to hash-tag or a cool filter to show off your food. Word of mouth and social media reigns supreme. Anymore these days the ticket to some moderate stardom is to have people talking about you, good or bad. Take, for example, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, they showed us the formula to notoriety and a little bit more along the way.
So yes, there’s a real chance that Donald Trump could be our next President. Now, this article is in no way to be a political stance, it’s entirely meant to have fun with the possibility that he could become our 44th President.
If Donald were to win he would do so with no political background nor ever served in the military. He is a successful businessman worth billions of dollars. He had noteworthy reality TV show, oversaw beauty pageants and had some endeavors in real estate. So for this article, I thought I would take a blind stab in the dark at filling out some of the Presidential Cabinet Members if he were to win.
As you read the list or just look at the pictures/GIFs, most these people on the list would never work for him, but I’m sure it would be fun to see them in the White House or wherever they report to. Think of all the Saturday Night Live sketches that could come out of this, heck I would even watch that show again.
Vice President: John Stamos.
Qualifications: He’s John F’n Stamos! We will need a Vice President to root for in case something does happen to President Trump. This is the same man that sold this nation on Greek Yogurt, he’s dipped his toes into the music world releasing some independent albums, played with The Beach Boys and has performed on Broadway. To quote John, “Every couple of years, you know, these great things drop in my lap.”
Secretary of Transportation: Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel).
Qualifications: Dominic Toretto and his Fast and Furious team have somehow figured out ways to rule the roads of America, Japan, and Rio de Janeiro just to name a few countries since 2001. If our country continues to sink more in debt, we can send Dominic and his team of modern-day superhero’s to suspend the theory of physics and steal money from a drug dealer in another country. This is a man that will take the job seriously; he will fix the nation’s roads, move traffic faster than ever and do it furiously. To quote Dominic, “I live my life a quarter-mile at a time.”
Secretary of Homeland Security: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Qualifications: He’s a box office action hero, he’s an eight-time WWF/WWE Champion, The People’s Champ, he wore a fanny pack and gave zero f*cks. You can’t tell me that the terrorists wouldn’t be shaking in their boots knowing this man will personally lay the Smackdown on their candy-asses. As Secretary of Homeland Security part of the job duties included are to respond to natural disasters. Did you see San Andreas? He’s tougher than a two-dollar steak. To quote The Rock, “When you walk up to opportunities door – don’t knock. Kick that b*tch in, smile and introduce yourself.”
Secretary of Agriculture: Snoop Dogg.
Qualifications: The legalization of marijuana made $53 million in tax in revenue for the state of Colorado in 2015. Now if you’re not pro-legalization on marijuana can you least be pro making money? With Snoop Do double G, all up in DC with his homie Donald T, sipping on that Hennessy, smoking that recipe passed down from the Kennedy legacy, confidentially coming up with a way to not just use it medically so everyone can use it independently. In short if marijuana became legal in all 47 states. Wait what we have 50 states now? Anyhow if marijuana becomes legal whom else would you want telling farmers what and how to grow it? To quote Snoop, “If you stop at general math, you’re only going to make general math money”
Secretary of Defense: Vince McMahon.
Qualifications: Vince has run the WWE/WWF for close to 40 years. Vince has been challenged by other wrestling corporations and like his wrestlers do, he has body slammed the competition. The press conferences alone will be awesome. He’ll do nothing but clown on competing countries that dare go to war with us. This is a man of passion this is a man you don’t want to mess with. To quote Vince, “The worst sex I’ve ever had has always been great.”
Secretary of Commerce: Ivanka Trump.
Qualifications: She’s the billionaire princess. Have you seen her? She always looks like a billion dollars. Okay, enough of me being a male chauvinist pig, her real qualifications. Education Georgetown University then transferred to Wharton School graduating with cum laude in 2004 with a B.S in Economics. I think she can handle the job. To quote Ivanka, “Everything about mediocrity kills me.”
Secretary of Education: If it takes a village a raise a child then we, at least, two to help with our educational system. Gary Clark Jr., for the Music Arts Program and Watson the IBM computer to cover all other educational programs.
- Watson: Qualifications: It is a system that is workload-optimized, integrating massively parallel POWER7 processors and built on IBM’s DeepQA technology, which it uses to generate hypotheses, gather massive evidence, and analyze data. In layman’s terms, this thing is all smart and stuff. The sources of information for Watson include encyclopedias, dictionaries, thesauri, newswire articles, and literary works. Watson also used databases, taxonomies, and ontologies. In layman’s terms, it’s Google on a two-week cocaine binge. Can it talk? Heck yeah!! Watson is a question-answering computer system capable of answering questions posed in natural language. After 239 years, finally, someone, well something that can’t be bought off, by big tobacco or big Scholastic. Give the robot a chance! What can go really go wrong? To quote Watson, “You play Jeopardy-like Bill Gates plays basketball.”
- Gary Clark Jr: Qualifications: He’s a total badass. His trademarks are his distorted guitar sounds and that, oh so smooth voice. The Mayor of Austin proclaimed May 3, 2001, to be Gary Clark Jr. Day. Clark was seventeen years old at the time! He’s performed at several different music festivals, performed at Grammys and has won a Grammy. If you haven’t listened to him you need to, after you read this of course. This is the man that can put a stop to our Music Arts program from being unfunded and shut down in our schools. Oh, he’s only 32! To quote Gary, “You walk up to me like a stranger girl, and I already know your name, I can make you feel good if you want to give me the time of day.”
Secretary of Energy: Von Miller.
Qualifications: None. I just wanted a reason to post this GIF.