By August Edwards

If you’re like me, you have no idea what to wear for Summerween 2019, and you love being the center of attention. I’ve compiled a list to help you achieve all of your Summerween dreams for Saturday, August 10th at the Salt Yard.

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1)  Area 51-themed: Something (Twitter) tells me that this Area 51 raid is a hot summer topic. Come as an alien, a citizen with a heart of gold, or even the Air Force. We can’t stop all of you from storming this cool, trendy costume concept.

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2) Any animal, really: Let’s face it; we all might just end up here anyway. Have a pair of nondescript-animal-ears-on-a-headband laying around? Do you have paint or some opaque-ish substance to create a snout, whiskers, or smear under your eyes (in a raccoon-like fashion)? A fur-colored shirt? You’re good, my friend!

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3)  A Teacher: Sexy! Knowledge! Scorn! Teachers have made some of the biggest impacts in our lives; let’s pay a hearty homage to them by putting on our best, homiest tie or ill-fitting slacks. Remember that sweater Mrs. Howard always wore? Feel free to spice it up and make our beloved teachers the best versions of themselves. You can even put one of those old apples on your counter to good use as a prop!

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4)  A Rockstar (Who’s Music You’ve Never Heard): We all know that one song—we don’t need to know their whole story, for cryin’ out loud. Slap on a wig, dabble with some spicy guy-liner, and carry around that ukulele that you store in your closet (folks will get the gist). If someone asks you about discographies, or whatever, you can always distract them by buying them a drink.

5) Your Favorite Brand Mascot: Did someone say “I’m sponsored”? Everyone will recognize you in that bald cap, white eyebrows to match the t-shirt, and an inexplicable, singular, gold hoop earring—that’s right, it’s Mr. Clean! Be the Geico Gecko of the ball while supporting the corporation close to home.