Worst Tinder Dates Ever Part 2

Tinder is supposed to be a simplified dating app that doesn’t put you through a ridiculously long application process like other online dating websites do.
You add a quirky little biography, a few pictures, and boom. Ready to find love one swipe at a time. It is completely changing how we date/communicate/and mate with other humans. It’s like a war zone where anything goes. All is fair in love and war right? If you talk to your friends, or search the Internet, you’ll see tons of horror stories where dates/Tinder experiences just went plain wrong. We all spend a lot of time laughing over these typical “Tinder Fails” on Instagram and Facebook. Why shouldn’t we? They’re f*cking hilarious.

Example:

Savage.

But what about when Tinder gets it right?
And they call back!
And answer your texts promptly!
Even seem to like you!
So you take the plunge and like them back!
They even open your car door for you!
Ohhh this HAS to be it… looks so promising!!!

Then they f*ck up…

Maybe fall off the face of the Earth….
Then oops they have a girlfriend day after he bangs you…
…and Tinder Proves you right again.

Think you hit the tinder jackpot? Think again.
I quit Tinder after my last article. Like a bad habit. Then, my bad ass Psychology teacher at UNM told me I could do a presentation on ANYTHING I wanted. What’s better than bashing f*ckboys in a Power Point presentation? Nothing. I needed research. Here I come, Tinder! I had the best profile description, too.

“Heather, 25
F*ck boy is my new favorite term. If we’re Netflix and Chilling, you’re bringing me a pizza”

F*ck boys, Netflix & Chill, and Pizza. I’ve got this.

DUDE.

NO.

These guys legitimately wanted to date. I barely got ANY good research for class. Worst experience ever.

And then…without warning…..Tinder sucks me back in…
I change my description and “get back up on that horse”
Or so they say…

So it starts with Date #1:
First of all, I’d like to say, this dude did it right. Dinner or the movies or something like that for the first date is not only awkward but boring as f*ck. I’m the kind of girl that would be down for go-cart racing or pizza and the batting cages. Please, don’t get it twisted. When he said “Rock climbing and coffee” I almost bought that b*tch a ring. Joking. But, I was stoked. Good for you, Spencer. That’s the way to do it. I’m telling the grandkids…even if you ain’t the granddaddy. Which you ain’t gonna be. Anyway, he does all the right things. Pays, (which ladies, don’t get me wrong, I’d take turns paying after awhile… that’s the right way to do it!) opens doors, didn’t even TRY to Netflix and Chill… I’m thinking yo, he definitely wants Amazon Prime and commitment! SAME! I mean, Spence lives in Clovis, was in Arizona visiting his dad, yet drove all the way to Albuquerque to take me on a date knowing he was going straight back to Clovis afterwards.

He clearly wants to marry me. I mean, never mind that the male to female ratio in Clovis is basically 3 to 0… population 25K. I’m making my Pinterest wedding board as soon as I get home.

And then…..he drops the bomb…….but casually…..

Spencer: “So.. what are you doing for Halloween?”
Me: “Probably working… might dress up. Not sure. You?”
Spencer: “Oh I’m going out of town…”
Me: “Oh fun! Where to?”

Spencer: “…..Afghanistan.”
I mean…..bring a sweater I guess… WTF???

And legit, 4 days later… he leaves. No email… no way of contact… bye future husband.

Ginger sex lives matter, Spencer. Remember that next time you put your fine ass in front of a Unicorn and then bounce. I mean….I’d still date you when you get back though.

Not quite ready to buy my cat farm yet, but close…
Moving right along to Date #2…
I met a guy at the Distillery down town for Taco Tuesday. We had a few beers and he tells me he’s a musician… which I love. He even brought me a copy of his EP! We go on a few dates… Dave and Busters…. I showed up to his brewery a few times… he came to my softball games…opened my doors… called me “ma’am” … everything I love! He mentions I should get my scuba diving license so that we can go diving at Blue Hole soon. He expresses interest in playing guitar for me and showing me his construction of his tiny house. In my head I’m thinking, “Okay, there’s no way he wants to run if he wants to make these plans in advance!”

Then he tells me he’s going to Thailand for two weeks.

I think, okay. Is this like the movie “He’s just not that into you” where the guy tells Ginnifer Goodwin he’s going to be “out of town” so he’ll be “out of touch” Story of my life, right?

I decided if he was going to make the effort to hang out with me before his trip, then he wasn’t trying to play me. The night before he leaves, he spends the night at my house and we make out a little…. a lot… but it feels okay. Not one-night-standish.

Next day he leaves, but lays over in Los Angeles for a night. He doesn’t talk to me all day, which is weird since we’d been texting regularly and frequently the last two weeks. He finally says something at 3am. “LA was so fun tonight. See you in two weeks, I probably won’t have my phone. Xo”
Probably won’t have your phone huh? I get it, you’re going to a beautiful country in which you shouldn’t be using your phone.. but really? Red Flag #1.

A week goes by and I notice he’s been on Facebook. So, he has a way to get in touch with me, but hasn’t yet. Is that that game our generation is playing where we back off but still desperately want to talk to each other but don’t want to make the first move in hopes of not looking clingy? F*ck that. I’ll make the first move then.

Few IPAs later…

“Drinking IPAs and I miss you!!!! Come back sooon! Thailand has had enough of you!”

and I get a

“An IPA sounds delicious!! This place is amazing though. I’ll tell you all about it. Hope all is well!”

Hope all is well? Cool. Hope all is well and you don’t get trampled by an elephant buddy. HOPE ALL IS WELL?

All is gonna be well when I silent treatment your ass til you get back and make it up to me.

So I did.

And then panic after 2 and half weeks have gone by. I know he’s back in Albuquerque. Did he find a Thailand mistress? Did he have an ex back here waiting on him? (That tends to be all ABQ love story problems. Exes man. PFFT.)

I lose patience again and text him.

Me: “Hey! How was Thailand?! You dealing with jet lag okay?!”
Him: “Hey! Sorry but who is this? My phone crashed the other day and I lost a bunch of people’s numbers. It was incredible though”

So if a red head goes crazy Is it called a ginger snap?!?!

First off mother f*cker, I know you had my number saved. Don’t kid a kidder. Why make the effort and then disappear like a dead beat dad does when child support is due? Bye Prince Charming… I mean, Tiny House.
Tinder might be the reason I have abandonment issues.
Bye Tinder.
And that was it.
Hi, my name is Heather, and I have been Tinder Free since October.
Tinder Anonymous: *chants back* “Hi Heatherrrrr!”

While I get to tell the grandkids about Date #1…and I can drink copious amounts of Jameson to forget Date #2… I can’t claim this last one. Thanks, anonymous person who submitted online at ABQLIVE.COM!

Lastly but certainly not least,

Date #3:

I met a guy on tinder right before the Christmas break. We’ll call him Tom. He lived 2 hours away so I drove there to meet him. We were supposed to go to the batting cages on the first date but he bailed. Red flag? I let it go. Instead we stayed in, he cooked dinner, even CUT MY CHICKEN, and I spent the night without any intentions of sleeping with him. To be clear, I’ve tried the alternative approach several times but it clearly wasn’t working. Time to try something new I guess! I left the next day, after he brought me a protein shake in bed without me asking, and he texted me immediately after I left his place. He kept me engaged by texting and calling (who calls anymore?!) at least 8 hours a day consistently for the next week. He made his family a priority, was super dedicated to the gym, he had a great job, sent good morning and good night texts, and had a lot of the same views that I did.

It felt soon, but I extended an invite for him to meet my family and come spend Christmas Eve with us since he wasn’t going to be at his family’s until the following evening. I told him that or he could hang out at my house until I was done and then he and I could chill. He insisted on tagging along to my family’s, even hung out with my momma most of the evening. Least awkward second date I’ve ever been on but in the back of my head I had this nagging feeling it was too good to be true.

I asked my best friend if this deemed an important enough night for me to be able to sleep with him and she wearily agreed.

The next day, I decided to look him up on Facebook and find out he had just become “Facebook Official” with another girl!!!

I’m sorry, but what the F*CK is the point of driving two hours to someone else’s families house Christmas eve, sleep together for the first time, and then is FBO with someone else the next day???
It’s like, “Hey Grandma, remember that time I tried online dating? He suckered me into sleeping with him and then introduced himself to ya’ll… then he bailed the next day.” Way to be a tool, Tom.
Pfft. Millennials.

Thanks Anonymous, you’ve inspired me to make this list of things NOT to do when dating in 2016.

1. Don’t date.
2. Invest in IPAs.
3. Buy a cat farm.
4. Order Pizza.

5. Stay cynical.
6. 6. Sit back, watch Netflix, and chill with your DAMN self.

If it seems too good to be true on Tinder, it f*cking is.
‘Til next time Albuquerque, keep it classy.