Did you know last Friday was International Condom Day?! In observance of this fantastic holiday I’d like to list a few facts compiled by Planned Parenthood:
- Condom use dates back 12,000-15,000 years.
- Seventy-five percent of people in relationships do not use condoms during vaginal intercourse.
- There is no medical excuse for anyone not wearing a condom, especially because there are latex-free condoms available.
- Using condoms makes sex 10,000 times safer when the AIDS precursor human immunodeficiency virus is a concern.
- The condom is one of the most affordable and easily accessible types of birth control.
(To read more about International Condom Day go here)
Condoms are good, Albuquerque. Nothing is sexier than a man or woman without STD’S. Please remember this.
I’d now like to present you with two important lists as you make your way to the counter at your local Walgreen to get said condoms:
A list of people you SHOULDN’T sleep with:
- Your boss/anyone you work with*: (See footnote)- As sexy as this could be, NO. This should be obvious-but in case it’s not-IT GETS AWKWARD. Fast forward to any meeting you have with them afterwards…You take ONE comment they say to a whole other level… JUST because you’ve seen each other naked and you think that person should tiptoe around your feelings because of it. Nope. Suck it up buttercups, your fault. Unless you’re about to get a raise, promotion or bonus…Just stay away. (Joking about the last part)
- Your roommate-Are you kidding me? First of all, unless your roomie is gonna knock down your rent rate and make you breakfast in bed every day, there should be absolutely ZERO reason you’re sleeping with them. How can you make a dignified exit if you’re sharing a lease with someone you’re boning? And what’s going to happen when you or they bring home their next lay? Someone’s gonna feel used or disgusting. At least, I hope you guys do if you make this decision.
- Your best friend’s mom/dad-First of all, EW. Second of all, this isn’t American Pie.
- Your professor* As a general rule of thumb, you shouldn’t sleep with a professor because he/she could get fired. HOWEVER, if it is your LAST semester before you graduate and you REALLY suck at Physics… 😉
- Anyone with a tattoo that says ‘yolo’ (Or just says it a lot)– I went on a date with a guy who had a ‘yolo’ tattoo… and I did not sleep with him. I’m sorry, but if that is the most MEANINGFUL thing you could think of to permanently tattoo on your body… you are not seeing me naked.
- Drunk people*- This is tricky. If you are drunk and they are drunk… and it is CONSENSUAL… have at it! But do you really want to? Especially if you’re both plastered. There are no other reasons you should be having sex with a drunk person. Period.
- An Ex* Ha…Okay, sleeping with an ex is iffy. If it’s a rainy day, nothing to do, laundry’s folded and you haven’t gotten laid in awhile and you don’t want to “up your number”… I don’t see why not. But make it clear—you are never ever ever…getting back together. (You’re singing Taylor Swift now, aren’t you?)
- Lady Gaga– I personally don’t see myself getting too excited if my best guy (or girl) came up to me and said, “HEY! I SLEPT WITH LADY GAGA!” Mmm.. my first thought would be…”What kind of weird sh%t did she make you do??” …it just wouldn’t be cute.
- Chris Brown- You know what else isn’t sexy, Albuquerque? Abuse. Stay away from those losers that think it’s okay. You are NOT Rhianna. You are a GARDEN ROSE! Go climb the Sandias without protective gear if you’re THAT into danger.
- A virgin*-Unless you’re a virgin too. If you are sleeping with a virgin not only will they always remember your name but they will always remember YOU. There’s a good chance you’ll have a stage-5 clinger on your hands in no time. Popping someone’s cherry requires emotions, empathy, and care…and if you don’t have any of that for this person, don’t be a dick. Just don’t do it.
You should sleep with those who you find attractive, are single, and who you think you have a future with. Right? Wrong.
A list of people you SHOULD sleep with:
- Someone who works on cars– You know those cars you see on the side of the highway with no tires? That won’t be you, if you’re sleeping with someone who knows about cars. And ladies, if you’re sleeping with a guy who doesn’t know anything about cars… you’re sleeping with a girl.
- Your yoga instructor– Green means go, green means go! Have you SEEN how flexible any guy/girl is in yoga class? I have. It’s amazing. Do it. You’ll thank me later.
- Jessie Pinkman– Who ended up surviving at the end of Breaking Bad? That’s right, b*tch. If he can make it through ALL of THAT…you’ll never worry about a burglar or weird noise in your house ever again.
- A fellow classmate*-You should only sleep with a classmate if they class is larger than 20 people. This could seriously work out well for you. You miss class? They click for you on iClicker. You want to have a random make-out sesh by the duck pond? Do it. Classmate hookups… are a win win.
- Military members-Those brave men and women are protecting our asses every day! You BETTER be doing what YOU can for our country!
- The door guy at your favorite club-Not that I’ve ever done it, but hey…could beat standing out in the lines forever. Especially during Winter!
- Your massage therapist– Hello, if the sex sucks at least you can get an AMAZING massage afterwards!
- Anyone at Home Depot—You can do it, they can help! It also doesn’t suck having them around for any home improvement you may need!
- A Ginger- We make up a whopping 2% of the world. It’s like you’re sleeping with a unicorn. So essentially, you could say you slept with a magical creature. Which is bad-ass. You’re welcome. Sleep with gingers! We’ll try not to steal your souls… 😉
- Anyone SINGLE– All the single people… all the single people… put ya hands up! Totally cool to hook up with single people. Whether it’s that cute guy/girl at the bar…your friend’s girlfriend’s sister…someone from ABQ-Live…whatever. Just use protection. Always.
With all this sex you’re having…it’s time to get real Albuquerque. STD Awareness Month is this April. Have you been tested, lately? If not, get yourself TESTED. Don’t assume you’ve already been tested. You have to ASK your doctor or nurse to be tested for STDs.
Did you know?
1 in 5 Americans living with HIV don’t know it.
1 in 2 people will get an STD by the age of 25 and won’t know it.
Every year there are more than 20 million new STD cases in the U.S
Nearly half of these cases are among people aged 15-24.
For more info on WHY you should get tested regularly and WHERE…click here.
As always, Keep it classy Albuquerque!
*Footnote– These are exceptions…it might be okay to sleep with them under certain circumstances.