Halloween is the time of year that children look forward to candy, and adults look forward to dressing in the most revealing costume possible and getting drunk. Trust me, the best day to go walk-of-shame watching is the morning of November 1st. But there are some costumes you might be a little more afraid of waking up next to than your average sexy zombie or sexy vampire… much more terrifying are the costumes that just should NOT be sexy, EVER. If you’re prepared to lose your childhood, keep on reading, these sexy costumes have nightmare potential.
1. Sexy Bert and Ernie: What better way to absolutely ruin your childhood than by gender bending and sexualizing Sesame Street characters? I feel like Big Bird would be ashamed.
2. Barney the Dinowhore: Don’t let your Halloween theme song become, “I love you, you love me, but Barney gave me an STD.” I mean really, if you can sexualize the big purple dinosaur, you might want to see a therapist.
3. Aladdon’t: It’s not just girls who are guilty of these awful costumes. If you walk around as sexy “Rub Me” Aladdin, I can almost guarantee the only person touching you Halloween night will possibly be some confused children and then a cop. With handcuffs. And not the good kind.
4. Sexy Lobster: …. I’m really not sure why this exists. Lobster is delicious and all, don’t get me wrong. But why in the hell would you want to look like one? They aren’t exactly sexy creatures. A panther? Sure. A lobster? No way. In fact they’re pretty damn creepy looking. They used to feed these things to slaves as punishment because they were considered rats of the sea. So unless you’re trying to be a dancing lobster from the old Amanda Show, please pass.
5. Sexy Ebola Containment Suit: If you buy this and wear it, I hope they send you to an African country with an Ebola outbreak to volunteer in aiding the sick. Trust me, you’ll be rethinking the “sexy” aspect real quick.
6. Ronald McDonald: I refuse to even put sexy anywhere near that name. This is the true stuff of nightmares, mixing clowns, a childhood figure, and anything remotely sexy … no, thank you. If I saw this walking down a dark alley, I don’t think I could run fast enough. If anyone got drunk enough to take this home, I can only imagine waking up hungover to THAT in your bed.
7. Pussy Magnet: Yes, those are stuffed cat heads glued onto a large fake magnet. You might as well wear a big sign that says “Douche Canoe” and tape it to your forehead. The reception would probably be equivalent.
8. Naughty Nemo: Another way to confuse and ruin your childhood! Instead of a lonely, disabled fish, just imagine this instead. I’m sure Nemo’s dad would be proud.
9. Sexy Baby: Ok let’s get one thing straight. Babies are not sexy. Babies are little bundles of fat and vomit and poo, and no, that just doesn’t arouse most people. It is not sexy to suck your thumb and have someone change your diaper unless they have some serious issues that Freud would happily address.
10. Sexy Yoda: Very disappointed in you, Yoda is. He’s wrinkly, green, old as hell and could probably kill you at the first pick up line. He’d take one look at girls in this costume and go totally Anakin on their asses. The only thing worse than sexy Yoda would be sexy Jar Jar… and that’s just asking for someone to beat you up. If you want to make Star Wars sexy, slave Leia works every time.
Have fun this Halloween, and don’t wake up next to anything too scary!